My Mom will kill me if she finds out that I’m writing this blog post. She would say that no one needs to know what goes on in my life, and to an extent, she’s right. But I need an outlet. I need to write down what’s happened to me and if someone out there can identify with what I’m going though (I’m very very sorry if you can), and if they can get reassurance that they’re not alone, then that’s okay with me.

Warning: explicit language is used throughout this letter.

2018 has been – to sum it up – absolutely shit. Especially the latter half of the year. I didn’t know what to put as the title of this blog post, but I realised that there had been three significant life changes happen to me from May onwards and it made me think of the saying that ‘bad things come in threes’.

So you’re probably wondering what has happened to me so that I could get so emotional and angry that I write a letter to the world. Ok so 1) I lost my Grandma in May who was like my second Mom. 2) A week later I lost my Uncle who basically raised me when my Mom and Dad were at work. 3) and last night (December 2nd 2018), I found out that my Dad had been cheating on my Mom.

Fun times.

If I’m being completely honest with you, I still haven’t processed losing my Grandma and my Uncle. I think I’ve just locked it away and buried it which isn’t healthy at all. But with my Dad, it’s hard… A lot harder. My Dad is the person that I aspired to be in life. He’s intelligent and hard-working and he’s never afraid to give anything new a go. He suffers with anxiety and depression like me, so I knew that I always had someone to go to when times were rough who would understand.

I never – and I mean NEVER – thought that the was the type of person who could cheat in a relationship with someone he’s been with for 37 years. Who the FUCK does that? Who the fuck ruins a relationship and risks losing their two kids so that they can be with someone else? Who the fuck pisses around behind their partners backs for months and can carry on looking his kids in the eyes and pretend everything is okay? My Dad. That’s who.

You can probably tell that I’m not dealing with this situation very well. I’m angry and I’m hurt. I’ve said a few thing that I regret, but I was angry, I was in disbelief, I was… I don’t even know… I feel dead inside.

UPDATE:

It’s been three weeks since he left and he keeps texting me asking if I’m okay, or to say good morning and good night, he’s asked me a few times when I want to talk, but honestly? I don’t want to. I can’t even look at him without wanting to scream or punch something.

On top of all this, it’s going to be my first Christmas without my Grandma and I can’t believe it. I’m saying that a lot lately because it’s true. I can’t believe that any of the things that have happened to me have actually happened. I know that there are millions and millions of people out there who have/or are going through worse things than I am right now, but I NEEDED to vent and writing is the only way I know how to that isn’t punching a wall or whatever.

I hate my dad. It’s very safe for me to admit that. I hate him. I hate what he’s done to my family. He doesn’t have to pick up the broken pieces that he’s left behind. I have basically become my mom’s carer: making sure she eats, sleeps, gets out the house to talk to her friends… I have to sleep in her bed nearly every night even though her bed really hurts my back, and she wakes me up at 4 in the morning crying her eyes out. But I don’t care, because she’s my mom and I would do anything for her. But my dad doesn’t see all of this. He’s ok. He’s done what he wanted to do and I’m there to pick up the pieces of the absolute shit storm that he’s created. I hope he’s proud of himself.

Well… There you have it. My ultimate life update and the reason I haven’t been blogging for the past month, and the reason I haven’t been reading.

If you managed to get to the end of this post, congratulations. I’m sorry for the negativity but I had to talk to someone.

BUT…

I hope you all have an amazing Christmas and if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a brilliant break and a well-deserved rest. I love you all.